English

A Poem for Pride

I walk, they whisper.
I run, they talk.
I fall, they laugh.
Yet, with Pride I get Up.

Pride! My Pride! Your Pride!
Our Pride! Their Pride!
Everyone’s Pride! To be
Who we’re and say it Freely.

Freely and with no Fear.
To paint the Rainbow
Across our faces and
Say, “Yes, we’re Queer”.

“Queer, we’re and Lesbian too
Yes, and Gay and Bi- and
Trans- too”, say it freely
Here, and there in the Pride too.

Posted by Mohit Rai in By Author, By Genre, By Language, By Title, English, Poem / Poetry, 1 comment

It Still Rains Here

“It still rains here
Though you left me, long ago.
I still relish the drops,
On my fingers, my hands, my face, my neck
And everything, that was once, yours.
The pain you left me in, still exists.
But why should I grieve?
If that was what you desired to give me.

It still rains here.
The windows remain shut.
The roof leaks. The walls keep wet.
But I don’t smell moist.
Your fragrance still persists.
The smell of your sweat on the collar,
The smell of your hanky…

Do you remember the lane behind Sun City?
As the clouds capped the stars and the moon
And there was a catalyst zephyr,
You walked close to me.
The toxic aroma of cigarette that still lingered on your breath…
It was killing me. But I gave in.

I held you by your collar.

And that stroke of your stubbled cheeks on my neck…
I was young. And my skin was tender.

And so were, my hands that ran down your navel.

It still rains here.
Now, I have my own five O’clock shadow.
I still feel your tongue rolling in my mouth.
I swallow my saliva as I suck my lips.
My hands are now rugged.

How I wish, I could apologize for that collar that I ripped.
The lips were sealed.
They were wet, wrinkled and red. And so were yours.
And I still hold that button that fell apart.

And one fine day…
You decided to walk away. Just like that. Just.
I stood like a fool and see you lose to the crowds.
That’s all I could do then. Stand like a fool…

I feel sorry for my country and my country men.

It still rains here. Just so you know.”

Posted by Prashant Bhilare in By Author, By Genre, By Language, By Title, English, Poem / Poetry, 3 comments

Unexpected life

It’s 1am and you’re trying to sleep but no sleeps comes since your mind is too occupied with unwanted thoughts

It’s 2am and you’re crying your heart out because everyone who was supposed to stay, they all left you too soon.

It’s 3am and you’re holding a blade in your hand because its the only way you know to ease the pain in your heart.

It’s 4am and the only thing you can see is your scarlet wrists and the only thing you can hear is the sound of crimson liquid falling on the floor.

It’s 5am and you’re in shower, thinking about everything that’s wrong with your life.

It’s 6am and you’re eating your breakfast even though you don’t want to.

It’s 7am and you’re waiting at the bus stop and thinking about those days when your dad used to drop you to school

It’s 8am and you’re surrounded with people you’ve known your whole life and still haven’t really known.

It’s 9am and you’re standing in a ground with your hands folded and praying to someone you’re not sure if exist or not.

It’s 10am and you’re looking at trigonometric identities without really understanding anything.

It’s 11am and you’re laughing with bunch of people who are too ignorant to see the empty look in your eyes.

It’s 12pm and you’re trying to understand principles of inheritance and variation.

It’s 1pm and you’re wishing you were at your home instead of being trapped in this hellhole called school

It’s 2pm and you’re walking on the road alone and thinking about that time when your mom used to pick up from school everyday

It’s 3pm and you’re doing your homework and trying to be a good kid even though you know it’s of no use because no one is going to see how much you’re trying to full fill their expectations.

It’s 4pm and you’re looking at the computer screen waiting for that one message that’ll never come.

It’s 5pm and you are listening to songs that make you want to cry but at the same time give you some strength to keep going.

It’s 6 pm and you’re once again busy with your books, trying to ignore the world.

It’s 7pm and you hear the doorbell.

It’s 8pm and you’re trying to ignore the feeling of running away.

It’s 9pm and you’re sitting in your room, A bit scared of what’ll happen tonight.

It’s 10pm and now you can hear shouts and cries. You hear your parents arguing but you stay quite because you know what’s going to happen next.

It’s 11 pm and there is a loud knock on your bedroom door.

It’s 12am and you’re sitting with belt marks all over your skin. You’re scared and alone. You’ve got no one to protect you, to save you. You’ve got no one to confide in. You’ve got no one who’ll kiss on your scars. You’ve got no one who’ll wipe away your tears. The only thing you’ve got is the bunch of the people who call themselves your friend while they even don’t know your reality. All you’ve got is yourself. All you’ve got is those scars and the feelings of not belonging. All you’ve got is pain in your heart and unwanted thoughts in your mind.

And then it all keeps repeating until you give up one day than everyone is suddenly crying because you’re no longer here. People who bullied you in school are telling other of how much of an amazing you were. Everyone is blaming you for being a coward. But no one is feeling guilty of their ignorance of their cruelty.

After a month, you’re forgotten. You’re just a name engraved on stone and erased from hearts.

But somewhere someone cries. You look at them from up above and feel nothing but pity for them. And then you see another life getting destroyed.

Yes, this is the cycle of life. Yes, this is destiny.

Posted by Samay Singh in By Author, By Genre, By Language, By Title, Comedy / Satire, English, 5 comments

#After377

 

और फ़ोन पर एक नम्बर दिखा – वो कोई रैंडम नम्बर नहीं था। मैंने कई बार ये नम्बर देखा था। इससे पहले कुछ स्क्रीन्शॉट्स और कुछ कॉन्फ़्रेन्स कॉल्ज़ जहाँ मैंने कुछ बोला नहीं था वहाँ भी।

थोड़ा अजीब लगा लेकिन मैंने फ़ोन उठा ही लिया। ‘हेलो, कौन??’ उसको उसकी जिस्मानी बनावट से ले कर उसकी आदत-इबादत तक जान लेने के बाद भी मैंने पूछा – कौन? दूसरी तरफ़ से तेज़ आँधी सी सांसें और एक बचकानी सी भोली सी आवाज़ आयी – आप हमको नहीं जानते। पर हमको जानते हैं बहुत अच्छे से। पूरा पूरा दिन आपका ही की बातें बतियाते रहते हैं। मेरे होंठों ने मुस्कुराना बेहतर समझा। आँखों ने पलकें मूँद कर उस तारीफ़ के सदके में उस मासूम को दुआएँ दीं। मैंने ख़ुद को सम्भाला। अरे तुम… कविता बोल रही हो क्या? कैसी हो? दिवाकर कहाँ है? घर में सब कैसे हैं। इतने सवाल पूछ लिए ताकि वो अपनी बात से भटक जाए। और मैं भी बच जाऊँ।  पर आज वो मूड बना कर बैठी थी। बातों को किसी फ़ास्ट बोलर सी कैच करती हुए बोली –  बाक़ी सब तो बढ़िया हैं बस यही बहुत बदल गए हैं। आप बोले थे ना की बताना अगर कोई परेशान करे तो इसीलिए फ़ोन किया है। अब मैं संजीदा होने का दिखावा किया। वो जो बदल गया उसको मैंने ही बरबाद किया है। दिल से अचानक एक चीख़ निकली पर इससे पहले होंठों तक आती आँसू आ गए। क्या हुआ? – मैंने डरते हुए पूछा।  उसने फिर तीर चलाया – शादी का दिन आने वाला है। ना दाढ़ी बनवा रहे हैं और ना ही हमसे बातें कर रहे हैं। ना हँसते हैं और ना ही भाव देते हैं।  सब कोट पैंट इनकी अम्मा लोग ले आए हैं और हमारी पसंद का कुछ नहीं लिया है। हम बता रहे हैं जो अगर यही भेष बनाए रहेंगे तो हम मंडप पर से चले जाएँगे और फिर बिना औरत के कौन सा विवाह होगा देखेंगे।

उसका गला भर आया। शायद रो रही होगी। मैंने धीरे से कहा – दिवाकर को फ़ोन दो। वो फ़ोन देकर चली गयी। शायद अपने होने वाले पति के सामने रोना नहीं चाहती थी। तक़रीबन दस मिनट तक दोनो तरफ़ ख़ामोशी रही। फिर अचानक कुछ गिरने की आवाज़ आयी। मैंने सही मौक़ा देख कर बात शुरू की। ‘क्या गिरा’? वो बोला ग्लास। मैंने तो यूँही पूछा था पर उसने बात पकड़ लिया। मैंने पूछा टूटा तो नहीं? वो बोला तुम्हें क्या लगता है इतनी जल्दी टूट जाएगा। अभी बहुत जान बाक़ी है। अभी तो बहुत तमाशा देखना बाक़ी है बाबू। मैंने नज़रंदाज़ करने की पूरी कोशिश की। कविता को क्यूँ परेशान कर रहे हो? कुछ चुटकी लेते हुए मैंने बोला इतनी शेखी मारोगे तो बहुत घाटा सहोगे शादी के बाद। वो तो अभी भी सह रहे हैं और आगे भी सहेंगे। तुम को जो खो दिया है हमने – वो बोला।

मैंने बोला – खो दिया कि अपनाया नहीं? इतनी हिम्मत होती तो हमको भगा ना ले जातेहॉस्टल से? तुमको को पटा है यार ये सब नहीं हो पाएगा हमसे। हम दुखी नहीं हैं पर अब उसकी तरह हमको पहले प्यार से ब्याहना नहीं है ना इसीलिए ज़्यादा ख़ुशी नहीं है।थोड़ा समय लगेगा फिर सब सही हो जाएगा। ये भी शांत हो जाएगी। अभी कुछ साल तक भूत तो रहेगा ना। मैंने बीच में ही पूछा – क्यूँ तुम उसको प्यार नहीं करोगे क्या? वो बोला करेंगे ना, शादी, बच्चे, प्यार सब करेंगे। पर शायद वैसा नहीं जैसे हॉस्टल की सर्दी की रातों में रज़ाई में हमने साथ में सोचा था।

अब ये बस के बाहर जा रहा था। तो मत करो ना, अभी भी देर नहीं हुई है। हम अभी भी वहीं खड़े हैं जहाँ तुम पलट कर गए थे। कविता अच्छी लड़की है, मिल जाएगा उसको भी कोई अच्छा लड़का। वो बोला ना अब तो अम्मा बाबूजी की इज़्ज़त की बात है। शादी तो होगी। मैं घरवालों को धोखा नहीं दे सकता। मैंने तपाक से पूछा – और तुम खद को जो धोखा दे रहे हो? वो रो दिया। क्या करे बाबू हम तो मरने जा रहे थे फिर अम्मा बाबूजी का ख़्याल आया तो सोचा कि शादी ही कर लूँ। दोनो एक ही बात है। पर अच्छा है तुम पूरे सफ़र टूटे नहीं। तुम आना ज़रूर शादी में। अकेले ज़लील होने में मज़ा नहीं आ रहा है।

मैंने अपने आसुओं को आज़ाद कर दिया। कपकपाते होंठों से बस इतना ही निकला – ठीक है, कोशिश करूँगा।

कुछ दिन हो गए ये सब कहानी को। अब जाना है है अपनी मुहब्बत की शादी में।

Posted by Barkat in By Author, By Genre, By Language, By Title, English, Fiction, 4 comments

IN JUST ONE SINGLE DAY

Here I present you my worst experience being gay in my college. I did my hotel management from a college in Wayanad district of Kerala. I was one the best student of my class, teachers liked me a lot since I was also a classical dancer of Odissi. Everyone gave me respect. But an incident which took place, spoiled everything in just one single day.

I was in relationship with a guy whom I had met 4 years back, when I was too young for relationship. But I was in love with him, and he was a good person. But one day I came to know that he was the biggest fraud I had ever met. After that breakup I came across a guy whom I had accidentally met and later became good friends with. One day he wanted me to accompany him to Trivandrum and I went along. In the night we took a room and stayed there he kissed me and did some softcore. After few seconds he said he got to reply some messages and he took his mobile and clicked my pictures.

Few days later he asked me for 4000 rupees, since I was a student and I didn’t have. I said I don’t have, then his way of talking changed and started blackmailing with my photos. I was terrified and I paid him 4000 rupees but few days later he asked me for 8000. I really didn’t had and when I refused he said he will publish my photos and since he was working in a telecom company he easily traced out my address and other details. And started threatening me again and again. And when I discussed this with my friend he said “You are unnecessarily taking tension” and asked me to be bold and tell him to go & do whatever he wants. I did the same and then next day changed my life.

I was alone in my hostel room, sleeping it was early morning 5 am and someone started knocking my door. I was sleepy so didn’t open the door, I asked them what they want in the early morning and they replied me to check my Facebook. I found there was nothing special, I saw there was a new friend request from an account which was looking like my own account my name, details and my photo everything was the same. And it was him when I saw it was showing 23 mutual friends and me saw all were my college mate’s senior’s staffs teachers. And his id was uploaded with my nude photos. I felt like killing myself, suddenly more people started knocking my door and I was totally lost. I went and opened the door and all the class mates were there to tease me insult me. I was crying but it didn’t bother anyone, I didn’t talked to them.
Just ran to the stair case and said I am going to end my life. I said goodbye & was standing near the handrail. Was afraid to die but didn’t had another option too. Suddenly my friend who advised me to be bold earlier came to me n said “what are you doing?” my eyes were filled with tears & said I want to die. He said “Why you say you are gay & can’t survive?” He came towards handrail, pulled my hair & slapped me, hugged me and said “kill him rather than killing yourself.”

The moment when I came back to my room, for my class mates I was like an untouchable person; no one talked to me no one sat with me. No one talked to me. For several days I didn’t have a seat in my college bus. Always being insulted. I got extra duties. No one clapped for my dance programs. Said bad words about me. I faced a lot of insult from my teachers too. Earlier I used to write attendance register and other works but I was stopped from doing all those things since I was gay. Even if I sat somewhere in cafeteria the other group of student will get up & leave. One day I felt like crying and went to the washroom and threw my foods away. All of this was happening because I was gay. Gay gay gay they gave me several names, teased me, harassed me.
Several times I really felt that it was better to commit suicide.

Slowly 6 friends among them understood me and came to me as a good friends. We had our own good times. Slowly I began to understand that I haven’t done any crime to deserve this. I was harassed even by one of my chief, who taught us food production. One day when the class had to submit our log book and we all submitted in which only my log book was not corrected or signed, then I went to him for getting my log book signed. He was sitting with few other teachers and said “Hey, I came to know that you will bend your ass in front of anyone who waves.” I was really shocked and terrified because a person who was a teacher of mine insulted me. Suddenly I replied “Sir if you want me to bend for you don’t need to wave your hands, just give me a miss call” Listening to this he felt embarrassed & insulted. I added “Sir, you are not paying my fees, nor educating me or taking care of my expense or giving me shelter and food so it shouldn’t matter to you whether I bend my ass or not”. I said “You just take care of your child who is just 5 years old”. He was mum.

Listening to this several well-wishers form my college encouraged me that I have guts to speak. They encouraged me to reply back to people who are nasty & hurtful, I listened to them and did just that.

Once we had an extempore speech competition in our quality development class and before like I mentioned I had few best friends and among them, one was a girl. She took the lot and her topic was “Should gay marriage to be legalized or not?” And she asked me to help her to prepare for the speech and I helped her, she asked me my experience and all… And when the debate started it was like she said everything in an opposing way. I felt so hurt & insulted. My madam asked me to counter her arguments, I said my part and made her mouth shut and on that day our friendship ended.

After finishing the speech whole class supported her and I said you are you all clapping? I said “You fools before clapping and encouraging others, you all don’t know that there were 11 boys from my class who asked me for sex date and had sex with me. I will never disclose their names because I have promised them, I will disclose their names one day when I leave this college.”

The whole class started looking at each other, all started to doubt their friends, roommates etc. I lied that I had sex with 11 people in fact I never had sex with anyone in my college but my gutsy dialogue made them confused. And because of that doubt popped among friends several classmates of mine fought with each other doubting each other. But only I know that what I told was just a lie, to divert everyone’s mind.

Final exam came whole class became enemies with each other. I was happy to see that because they spoiled my 3 years and my one single lie spoiled their friendship which they build in 3 years. Everyone dispersed from college like how they were in the first days of the colleges without speaking much with each other. I was happy to see that no one gained anything in return of my tears. Finally those 11 names became an unknown secret to everyone. Till now they are waiting for that. College over classes over and here I finish my long story.

Posted by AMALL SANALL in By Author, By Genre, By Language, By Title, English, Non Fiction, 15 comments